Reality

My life moves on without me.
Dreams floating dead in the water.
Who I used to be I am no longer.
And never will be again.
Put the pieces back together.
Try to make them fit but they never -quite- do.
The accident didn’t take but body but it sure as hell took my life.

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Stupid

Stupid wraps the soul in chains, squeezing ever tighter;
Growing in strength as it drinks

Stupid is drowning in hopes lost
You try to rescue
Kittens, butterflies and memories of child dreams on a summer night.
Stupid escapes.

Stupid grows with cruel words dropped casually
“Failure” is not an option
Learning is not possible.

Soul-numbing stupid.

Believe.
A key to bind stupid.
A song is freed.
Listen to the heart beat of freedom.

Stupid is just a word

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The Gift

You arrived wrapped in bows of twisted metal and spiderweb glass
The music of squealing brakes, rumble, boom, silence! Siren song begins!
Traumatic Brain Injury came home to live.

Riding the tide of confusion, I learned to live in a new world.
Sensory overload
Fatigue
Migraines
Aphasia
Balance and falling

I lived narrow, limited, restricted. You laughed.
Rehabilitation. Work. Sweat. Tears.
I learned.

I took back running.
I took back part time work.
Scout came- service dog
My world grew.

Almost two years.
You just took the Army Reserve.

I live with TBI.
You will not defeat me.
My life will be full.
My life will be meaningful.
I will live.

An old friend

In high school, many years ago,  I had to write an essay about this poem.  Today, the first lines popped into my head.  I struggled to remember the poem with no luck.  Fortunately, I recalled enough of the poem to find it on the internet.   It strikes me as powerfully now as it did then.  Perhaps because  I am struggling with my “new” post-injury identity.  In a sense, I am the same person as before.  But, there have been so many changes in my life and my ability to live it that I feel different.  Perhaps identity is something we always work to create.  Sometimes, a major event happens that is an upheaval rather than a quiet, gentle progression of change.

Identity

Let them be as flowers,
always watered, fed, guarded, admired,
 but harnessed to a pot of dirt.
 I’d rather be a tall, ugly weed,
 clinging on cliffs, like an eagle
wind-wavering above high, jagged rocks.
To have broken through the surface of stone,
to live, to feel exposed to the madness
of the vast, eternal sky.
To be swayed by the breezes of an ancient sea,
carrying my soul, my seed, beyond the mountains of time
or into the abyss of the bizarre
 I’d rather be unseen, and if then shunned by everyone,
than to be a pleasant-smelling flower,
growing in clusters in the fertile valleys,
where they’re praised, handled, and plucked
by greedy, human hands.
I’d rather smell of musty, green stench
 than of sweet, fragrant lilac.
 If I could stand alone, strong and free,
I’d rather be a tall, ugly weed.  
 
Julio Noboa
 

The poem still speaks to me today.  It is combined hope, yearning for freedom, and the ability to be true to one’s own self with the fear of being different.  I love the weed analogy.  People hate having weeds in their garden.  Yet, they are inevitable.  They are also tough to kill.   To be a weed among flowers.  Is it a bad thing?

Insomnia— Again

 

 Here it is, just after midnight.  My mind is annoyingly alert.  Last night, I woke up at 2 a.m. and did not fall asleep again until after  7:00.   This post is the result of a sleep deprived, meandering mind.  Read on, if you dare! 

Insomina
Blinking sighing deep
Blurry eyes look out at night
Stars dance in the sky

This is am awesome picture.  It’s by Sherry Blue Sky.  You can read her blog here:http://stardreamingwithsherrybluesky.blogspot.com/  She has some wonderful poetry and pictures. 

I noticed something in the title of the post.  The word “again.”  Break it into syllables: a gain.   What will I gain from this time?  More haikus!   =)   Seriously, one life lesson from the concussion that keeps returning is being able to use something that can be viewed as negative to positive effect.    “Again.”  Often this word has negative connotations.  Hey, I have insomnia again.  I have to repeat the assignment again.  Of course, if the activity is fun, again is good.  I rode the roller coaster again.  Yeah!   Yet, doing something again can be beneficial.  In music, repetition is used  in practice and rehearsals to build technique.  If I am not successful at a project the first time, doing it again gives me an opportunity to improve.  It all depends on how you view it.  Again can be a gain.


 At Play
I am ferret!  Hear me roar!
Life with me is never a bore!
Dooking, I dance and pounce
Through the house I play and bounce.
Before you laugh or even grin
I just stole your keys again.
Where I hid them you have to guess
And in the corner I left a mess.
A gentle kiss and soft the sigh
Seals the love between you and I.