Battles Within

I’m having a hard time right now.  Nothing interests me.  There seems to be nothing out there anymore.  Kaliyah makes me smile with her antics.  Brighid purrs.  In a way they give me the strength to get out of bed.  And I still lace up my shoes and run.  Endorphins are a wonderful thing.  Maybe I’ll figure this shit out.

I had an appointment with my therapist last Thursday.  He asked what was “normal.”

My response: “Everyone is fucked up in some way.  There’s just different levels of fuckery.”  It’s true.  Playing the “I’m Worse Than You ” game is pointless.  Suffering is suffering.

Have compassion for all beings; rich and poor alike.  They all have their own suffering.  Some suffer too much; others too little. ~ Buddha

Battles within

Not all wars are on battlefields

 Outside is the face of strength 

A smile hides the inner scream 

Of fear and anguish.

A choice made a chance interlude

With death, fear, and pain

A life destroyed in one second.

Dreaming to make a different decision

Leaving life to flow onward

With a purpose 

Yet even in darkness

When the soul slowly withers

It does not die

Another choice to be made?
Fight one more day.

Sometimes it’s Not Screaming

Sometimes  they’re silent

Voices silenced by pain and

Suffering.  Scream out!

Hear the loud silence

The voices of the damned to

Loneliness and pain.
It can be too much

Dreaming of never ending sleep

But staying awake

Meditation for April 14


There are many moments in life where there is a feeling of not being connected, watching from a distance.  You go through the motions of the day; cooking, eating, working.  It seems so unimportant and routine.  Boring.  It’s easy to drift through the days, weeks, months as they pass in similar ways. Routine is both good and bad.  It provides structure but it also can be boring.

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Life is a path that branches off in different directions but ultimately we end up in the same place.  How we get there matters.  Those experiences are where the lessons are: where our souls learn and hopefully grow.  If you don’t engage fully, you miss out on joys, sorrows, sunsets, nature, and even the struggles.  We grow through hard times and pleasures as well.

“You cannot travel on the path until you become the path.” ~~ Buddha

 You cannot experience life until you become life.  Your life and all that you touch.  Be authentic.  Become your path.

Simple Joys

 it doesn’t take much to make a ferret happy.  They have a sense of play and fun that I wish that I had.  Imagine if we could live our lives just enjoying the day as it comes and enjoying the simple things.  

Life is too complicated sometimes.  We get caught up in daily problems and responsibilities.  Slow down.  Focus in.  Don’t live life by rote.

Enjoy the simple things.

What a day

It was an interesting day.  One of those days it didn’t pay to leave the house.

My neighbor offered to drive me to the gym on his way to work this morning. On the way, we encounter a woman driving 20 mph in a 35 zone. She’s hugging the left line so you can’t see around to pass. Finally, she drifts right and we pass her.
There’s a roundabout on the way. We’re in the roundabout, so we have the right of way. A car pulls in right in front of us. My neighbor slams on the brakes and we manage to stop before hitting him. 

We get to the gym. The parking lot has an entrance and an exit lane. Ignoring the arrows, a person pulls out of the in. Neither vehicle has the turn angle to complete the turn without hitting the other car. We back up.

I work out, get home, shower, and eat. I needed to run some errands downtown, so I walk up to the bus stop. There’s a cross walk and a light. I’m walking toward the crosswalk. A car makes a right hand turn, misjudges the angle and drives up on the sidewalk. It’s coming at me and I jump sideways. My balance isn’t the best. Diving for cover, I land in one of those evergreen shrubs. In the process, I twist my left ankle. I’m slightly allergic to evergreen. So, now I have evergreen itch, a twisted ankle, and am covered with bark dust. Complete with a splinter in my left elbow.

  
On the bus ride downtown, a car pulls up too far when the bus was making a turn. The bus curb checks.

I get to the pharmacy and they refilled a prescription I haven’t been on in three months and not the seizure medication I need. I have to wait 20 minutes for them to fill the right medication.

In one day, I was almost in an accident, been nearly hit on the sidewalk, twisted an ankle, got a splinter, and almost got thrown out of a bus seat. Then had to wait for the prescription to be filled, missing the the next bus. 
When the next bus arrives, the driver rapidly exits and runs away. He must have seen me coming, right? He returns without incident. That was strange.

  
It’s Friday the 31st, not the 13th.  I think Loki the prankster has gotten loose.  Either that or every horrible driver got dumped in a small town in Eastern Washington on the same day.  

I finally made it home safely and hide in the beds with Brigid.  She’ll protect me.

  

Waking

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Waking up, I realize:

Life is about more than a career and material possessions.

People are different: that is out blessing, that each person is unique.

Listen to other people’s stories. There is wisdom in the journey of others.

Take time to do something you enjoy every day. Life is too short to be serious all the time.

Tell your loved ones how you feel. The words, “I love you” are priceless.

Seek to be at peace with others. If you harm them, make amends.

Connect with your spiritual beliefs.

Go outside. Notice the beauty of the world.

Eat well but do not over indulge. Take time to enjoy what you eat.

The Goddess is alive and magick is afoot. She is always with us.

Don’t fear death. It is a doorway into the next life. You will see loved ones who have gone before again.

Take responsibility for your mistakes and learn from them.

Say “I’m sorry” when necessary.

Learn about other religious beliefs. It helps to understand others.

Stay true to your morals and beliefs but respect that others may not agree.

Everyone has the right to their own journey.

Walk “in perfect love and perfect trust.”

“Ever mind the Rule of Three….What you do comes back to thee.” We are held accountable. Learn from mistakes and grow.

“An it harm none, so mote it be!”

Seek the greatest good.

Accept what you cannot change. It allows you to focus on what you can.

You can do more than you ever imagined possible!

A long time away

I haven’t blogged in months. During the time I was away, my life really changed. I was, and am, overwhelmed. I stopped blogging because it was one thing too many. I usually strive to have hope in my blogs but I am not certain how much I can provide here, as hope is in short supply.

There is always a bit of humor in life with animals. Scout, my service dog, continues to progress in his training. He is doing quite well with reminding me to take medication. For a while, he would randomly ring the bell. Smart dog had figured that the bell meant a treat but not that only when I had to take medications! I had the bell ringing quite often! I have the oddest animals. I have a Black lab that doesn’t play fetch. My cat, Brigid, does. She’ll wake me at 5:00 am to toss her crinkle ball for a game. Brigid doesn’t (fortunately) climb the Christmas tree, my ferret Kaliyah climbs it and everything. The ferrets also steal and stash interesting items. I have several mismatched socks and recently found a bra under the couch.

I also moved into a new house. It is a little larger than my old place. I love the fireplace and huge walkin closet. It also has a two car garage. I plan to get some weight gym gear so I can have a small home gym.

I continue to run. Scout and I did our first run as a team Thanksgiving Day on the Walla Walla Turkey Trot. He was a bit excited and I had trouble holding him back the first mile or so. The run was the first time I didn’t compete, at least mentally. I just ran. It was an interesting experience.

In my heart, I still want to run marathons. I am not sure I will ever be able to get there again. That is a depressing realization. Running has been a passion for me my entire life. When I was in 3 rd grade, I had the playground monitors time me while I ran to the fence and back. It never stopped. I ran my first marathon in 1989. To think, with the fatigue I always feel, migraines, and trying to work, that I may never run another one… It’s a loss of part of who I am. I just get so damn tired at the end of the workday, I just can’t train, if I don’t have a migraine. A friend suggested I walk marathons instead. Marathon walking is a sport in itself. It takes time, commitment, dedication, and training. But, it’s not running. That’s like telling a downhill skier who can’t ski downhill anymore to take up cross country instead. It’s still skiing. It’s two totally different things.

Work is also hard. I’m still on limited hours and duty. I see few patients. I feel almost useless.

The Army is finally taking action. First, I was passed over for promotion again because I could not attend the training school, so was ineligible for promotion. The military now wants to remove me for not being promoted. I have choices; discharge, retirement, etc. This does not reflect what happened. I wanted to train! I had a date for school. I sustained a TBI and was unable to go. I am still not medically able to train. Which brings up the other situation. The Army is also convening a medical board to look at fitness for duty. Since I cannot medically serve, and have over 15 years in the Reserve, I can be medically retired. This reflects the situation. But, it takes up to 6 months. They want me to sign the paperwork to be removed for no promotion by next month.
My unit isn’t helping, either. I’ve been in the military, either active or reserve,for almost 18 years. Give a choice, when I got my commission as a social worker almost three years ago, I would have stayed another 10 years. I took the commission to help Soldiers. It’s a huge mess now. And another part of who I am that died.

My unit is deployed. I’m not. People tell me I have a purpose here. There’s a reason. I am yet to see it. I see so few patients and touch so few lives.

I died on 4/25/11. My body lived. I sustained a TBI that left me with a half life to live. I have to accept what died and build new. What is my identity? But, dammit! I want to run a marathon!