Three Goals

I went to the creative writing course at the VA today.  It’s not exactly a journaling. We have a topic we write about.  Some are more therapeutic topics than others.  Today’s topic was “three goals.”

Goals 

I have no goals; none at all

Look inside to find the call.

When there is no focused life

Heart and soul are filled with strife

Finding hope in darkness lost 

Breaking free from chains’ high cost;

Maybe I will a path find

From fear’s chasm to faith sublime.

To grow my goal is to try

To revive what inside died

To hold to the future fast

To leave behind what has passed.

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Goals come in all forms.  Mine are getting prepared to identity and strive after goals.  It’s funny: my goal is to have a goal.  

Look Within

There is the tendency to look outside ourselves to find acceptance, love, happiness, even spiritual direction or experiences.  If we are not comfortable in ourselves whatever we find outside won’t meet what we need.

Seeking to fill the the outside ourselves causes us difficulties.  Relationships can be ended or damage becaus the need leads to disappointment as other people can’t meet the need.  Attending church or other religious experiences feel like going through the motions.  Sometimes we seek objects and/or money.  In short, nothing fills that feeling.

 And thou who thinketh to seek for me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not, unless thou knoweth the mystery; for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning  and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.   (Charge of the Goddess- Doreen Valentine)

I went down the road of seeking outside myself for many years.  I looked to churches, careers, music, even running.  I sought identity.  I was vaguely that this was not enough.  I found that I was most content when I sought identity inside.  It’s been an ongoing process and journey.

A problem with identify outside is things constantly change. I lost my career and performing music outright.  While I still run, I am not able to run marathons.  The loss of identity after the brain injury crushed me.  With identity outside myself, what is left when those things are gone?  Nothing but what is within.

Spiritually, it’s been the same thing for me.  I sought connection in churches of all kinds.  Being told what to believe and how: doctrine and dogma, left me unsatisified.  I morally couldn’t embrace teachings where I disagreed.  The foundation itself of Christian faith just didn’t make sense.  As I looked inside, I found it was not a religion I could embrace for several reasons.  My spiritual journey led me to a way of believing that requires inner reflection and a connection to Deity.   I am responsible for my own actions, my own journey.  The exact beliefs really aren’t relevant here.

“For if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.”

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Reflection

I mentioned yesterday that I felt a draw to the prayer/ chant that I posted.  During meditation today, anger kept coming in- both the emotion and thoughts around it.  You know, it’s possible to be angry about being angry?  I don’t like where this form of anger is leading me.


Anger can be healthy and helpful.  It’s basically telling you that there is something in your environment needing your attention.  It’s what you do with it and how it impacts you that matters.  For example, is the anger harming you or someone else?  Do you carry it and can’t release it?  Do you know what’s causing it?  These can be signs the anger isn’t helping you.

Feeling anger, acknowledging it, and figuring out what to do about why you’re angry is where it can be helpful.  It’s motivating change.  Trick is to not respond in the heat of anger.  Great phrase.  Heat.  It’s ok to take a break and let the anger cool before you make a decision or take action.

My anger isn’t good for me right now.  It’s there- about everything and triggers easily.  I suppose I’m angry about the brain injury and what it did to me.  Angry my life isn’t what I want it and I’ll never get what I had back.  It’s a dark anger.  I withdraw, I swear at people, I just want to be alone. I’ve hit stuff and blown up verbally at people and situations.  Anger goes hand in hand with frustration.  Anger makes it hard to enjoy anything.  It is darkness.  Like a black hole that draws me in.  I’m struggling to release anger over something I can’t control and can’t fix.  I’m certainly not at peace very often.

Love: wow.  Now there’s a concept.  I’m starting to really hate people sometimes.  Hate drama.  Hate people hurting each other.  Hate people trying to push morals off on others.  Angry about political candidates running on hate and fear.  Hate abusers.  Sadly, hate people for being “normal.”  Hate that they don’t understand what people with disabilities experience, especially when they’re “invisible.” People can look “normal” and still have some serious issues going on.  This is broken.  This isn’t who I was.  I’m not sure if this is who I will be now.  I suppose I don’t totally hate people. I still care about people and what happens to them.  I’d still help if I could.  Maybe it’s just the drama and actions that piss me off.  Back to boiling anger. 

This anger isn’t serving a purpose anymore.  I know there’s shit in my life I need to do something about.  I’m just not sure what or how. And it’s hurting my life. 

Maybe it’s grieving.  I’ve spent the last few years trying to “fix” myself and be who I was that I never really considered it could be long term.  I have lost so much.  

I  need to make a conscience decision to release this. It’s a process.  It takes more than once to really totally let go of anger over situations.    Or I could just avoid drama and people and frustration… And try to figure out how to numb myself totally again.  

Heal what’s broken.  Broken isn’t totally physical.  Enlighten the darkness.  Restore peace and love.

Something Positive

Today was Beltane.  It’s a celebration of the fullness of spring, of new beginnings, or new life.  It’s also considered the marriage of the Lord and Lady.  That May Pole?  Fertility symbol.  Anyway, no digression into Wiccan beliefs tonight.  Just spirituality.

I had a rough morning that more or less threw my plans off track.  I blogged it earlier but just got to posting it.  Had a WordPress WTF moment where it looked like it double posted. Yet, another digression.  With what happened, I slept most of the afternoon.

Tonight I celebrated Beltane in a bit of a different way.  I focused on the new beginnings/ new growth aspect, with a bit of healing thrown in.  My spiritual approach isn’t all that formal.  I don’t generally do formal Circles.  I use meditation and activities as my primary ways.

It focused on two main meditations with a release of the anger a fear to the Universe and a call for healing and peace.

i posted the Wiccan Prayer earlier.  This was my focus in a chant.

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Said slowly, relatively, but listening.  There was no huge insight.  There is a sense of quiet that hasn’t been there for a long time.

I feel drawn to work more with this prayer.

 

blessed be everyone!

Journeys are Never Easy

Today was a bad day for me.  I’m not sure exactly why.  I was just really upset all morning.

I got myself locked into negative mental chatter.  My attitude was fuck this.  It’s been a long time since my mood was this low.  I’ve been frustrated and afraid this past month.  But, not like today.

My thoughts summed up:

  1. I wish that accident had killed me
  2. I really have no life.
  3. I want to go somewhere but I can’t travel alone. I’ll never see Alaska, Hawaii, the Florida Keys. Or go to Scotland again.  Or Ireland.  Or the Grand Canyon, or Glacier National Park.  I’m chained to my town.
  4. I never run a marathon or play in an orchestra again
  5. My careers are gone.
  6. The fucking accident killed me anyway.  I just still exist.

It was another day when the losses were in my face.   I can’t kill myself.  I can’t hurt Brigid or Kaliyah.  Brigid is not s cute kitten and may not find another family.  And I can’t take her with me.  It’s funny how my second thought was how my family would react.  Brigid and Kaliyah came first.  I suppose that’s because they depend on me.  My family would grieve and move on.  I don’t want to hurt them either.

So, I got Kaliyah out to play.  Ferrets make you smile.  She was in a playful mood.   I wonder where my running socks are. She loved the dig box game.  Lots of interaction.  She tried to drag my backpack under the couch.  Ferrets are determined animals.  She would not give up on that backpack.  It didn’t fit.  Fine.  She’ll try pulling under. Spinning it around and trying again.  Dig on it and the floor under the couch.  Flip over on her back and try pulling it again.  By now she’s hissing in frustration.  The odds were against her but she kept trying.  Until she got bored.  Then it was onto playing in the plastic bags closet that I forgot to close.

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After she was done playing and tucked into her cage I decided to follow her example and take a nap. Brigid curled up at my shoulder and purred until I fell asleep.  Three hours.

It was a beautiful day.  I went for a short run then read a book at the small picnic area in my neighborhood and meditated.  There wasn’t a focus on the meditation.  I noticed nature and reflected on the Mother who created it.  I had a deer and baby come into the park. Mom deer looked at me, then slowly walked into the woods.  Shea’s her fawn were a reminder of Spring: new growth.  New beginnings.  Maybe even new hope.

I have no idea if my life is going to change.  Maybe things can still get better.  There still things to enjoy.  Even in a narrow world.

I feel better tonight although I am wiped out.  I hope to go to bed early. Maybe tomorrow will be better.