When things are overwhelming, start somewhere.
There are times that I get so overwhelmed that there seems to be no start and no ending so I freeze in place. I am afraid to be wrong: afraid to fail. I want to control myself and my surroundings. Because it feels “safe.” It isn’t. Life will still happen. It’s not safe. But, I struggle to break out of my patterns and safety.
Start small. Set a small goal and move forward somehow. It’s been difficult to find a goal that I think I can manage and succeed.
Why does what is small seem so huge?
I got caught in my
brain today. Who am I now
Different life to live
It’s strange how we change over time. We have experiences both good and bad. Do they change who we are or just our views of life?
Sometimes I feel like a totally different person now. My brain works differently. I see myself in terms of before and after. Personalities can change after brain injury. Then there’s the whole thing about actual changes in how the brain works. For example, sensory overload. That’s physical. Is hating change and being inflexible a personality change or trying to control for safety and function? Is being angry grieving?
It’s just strange to feel like I’m a stranger in my own skin. I guess it doesn’t matter why. It just is. But, I really don’t like who I am now.
Everyday we have things happen to be thankful for: small and large. They only too often go unnoticed until they’re lost or something changes.
Right now, I am being blessed by listening to a thunderstorm, watching lightening, hearing the wind blowing and the rain smacking into the windows. It’s a beautiful and powerful reminder of the awe of nature. It connects me back to the elements and reminds me that we are a small part of the Universe but still created with a purpose.
There is another side of storms. In their power, they can bring harm and destruction, even death. There is still a place to be thankful. People come together and help rebuild what was lost. People’s strength and determination are harnessed. Life is never the same after a major storm. But, it continues- with new reasons to be thankful.
We face storms of a different sort in life. They bring changes small and large, yet they are not always “bad.” Sometimes, they’re an opportunity to grow or experience something new. Other times, they leave devastation. How do we rebuild lives after a storm? My spiritual Path teaches that we have soul lessons to learn. What happens is for a purpose, even if we don’t understand. What are my lessons in all that has happened to me- all the problems and lingering difficulties with TBI? I suppose this is the spiritual version of “why me?” (There are many lessons and paths. We still have free will. Our decisions and actions impact the outcomes and how life unfolds. There are always some lesson.)
I am thankful for the friends who have stood beside me, family who have helped, the doctors who care and try to help. I still run, I have Brigid and Kaliyah, I have a place to live and food to eat. It is well enough.
I mentioned yesterday that I felt a draw to the prayer/ chant that I posted. During meditation today, anger kept coming in- both the emotion and thoughts around it. You know, it’s possible to be angry about being angry? I don’t like where this form of anger is leading me.
Anger can be healthy and helpful. It’s basically telling you that there is something in your environment needing your attention. It’s what you do with it and how it impacts you that matters. For example, is the anger harming you or someone else? Do you carry it and can’t release it? Do you know what’s causing it? These can be signs the anger isn’t helping you.
Feeling anger, acknowledging it, and figuring out what to do about why you’re angry is where it can be helpful. It’s motivating change. Trick is to not respond in the heat of anger. Great phrase. Heat. It’s ok to take a break and let the anger cool before you make a decision or take action.
My anger isn’t good for me right now. It’s there- about everything and triggers easily. I suppose I’m angry about the brain injury and what it did to me. Angry my life isn’t what I want it and I’ll never get what I had back. It’s a dark anger. I withdraw, I swear at people, I just want to be alone. I’ve hit stuff and blown up verbally at people and situations. Anger goes hand in hand with frustration. Anger makes it hard to enjoy anything. It is darkness. Like a black hole that draws me in. I’m struggling to release anger over something I can’t control and can’t fix. I’m certainly not at peace very often.
Love: wow. Now there’s a concept. I’m starting to really hate people sometimes. Hate drama. Hate people hurting each other. Hate people trying to push morals off on others. Angry about political candidates running on hate and fear. Hate abusers. Sadly, hate people for being “normal.” Hate that they don’t understand what people with disabilities experience, especially when they’re “invisible.” People can look “normal” and still have some serious issues going on. This is broken. This isn’t who I was. I’m not sure if this is who I will be now. I suppose I don’t totally hate people. I still care about people and what happens to them. I’d still help if I could. Maybe it’s just the drama and actions that piss me off. Back to boiling anger.
This anger isn’t serving a purpose anymore. I know there’s shit in my life I need to do something about. I’m just not sure what or how. And it’s hurting my life.
Maybe it’s grieving. I’ve spent the last few years trying to “fix” myself and be who I was that I never really considered it could be long term. I have lost so much.
I need to make a conscience decision to release this. It’s a process. It takes more than once to really totally let go of anger over situations. Or I could just avoid drama and people and frustration… And try to figure out how to numb myself totally again.
Heal what’s broken. Broken isn’t totally physical. Enlighten the darkness. Restore peace and love.
Today was Beltane. It’s a celebration of the fullness of spring, of new beginnings, or new life. It’s also considered the marriage of the Lord and Lady. That May Pole? Fertility symbol. Anyway, no digression into Wiccan beliefs tonight. Just spirituality.
I had a rough morning that more or less threw my plans off track. I blogged it earlier but just got to posting it. Had a WordPress WTF moment where it looked like it double posted. Yet, another digression. With what happened, I slept most of the afternoon.
Tonight I celebrated Beltane in a bit of a different way. I focused on the new beginnings/ new growth aspect, with a bit of healing thrown in. My spiritual approach isn’t all that formal. I don’t generally do formal Circles. I use meditation and activities as my primary ways.
It focused on two main meditations with a release of the anger a fear to the Universe and a call for healing and peace.
i posted the Wiccan Prayer earlier. This was my focus in a chant.
Said slowly, relatively, but listening. There was no huge insight. There is a sense of quiet that hasn’t been there for a long time.
I feel drawn to work more with this prayer.
blessed be everyone!