Three Goals

I went to the creative writing course at the VA today.  It’s not exactly a journaling. We have a topic we write about.  Some are more therapeutic topics than others.  Today’s topic was “three goals.”

Goals 

I have no goals; none at all

Look inside to find the call.

When there is no focused life

Heart and soul are filled with strife

Finding hope in darkness lost 

Breaking free from chains’ high cost;

Maybe I will a path find

From fear’s chasm to faith sublime.

To grow my goal is to try

To revive what inside died

To hold to the future fast

To leave behind what has passed.

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Goals come in all forms.  Mine are getting prepared to identity and strive after goals.  It’s funny: my goal is to have a goal.  

Quote of the Day- December 16, 2016

“When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways – either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.” Dalai Lama 

It is so easy to lose inner strength and be  crushed by hopelessness.  I’m there right now.  I don’t see a meaningful life right now.  Yet, living though this requires inner strength.  There are days all I want to do is give up.  I spend hours, even days, wondering about ways to commit suicide that will be fatal- not just an attempt.  It’s been worse since November.  

For me, a self destructive habit is isolating and withdrawing from people and activities.  Discipline leads me to take to the road-or treadmill- to run.  The focus on breath, concentration on form, and losing myself in the passing miles is relaxing.  My feet striking the ground roots me to the present moment.  I am present in a manner I no longer have off the road.  I am connected to myself and my spiritual senses.  Running is still a solitary activity.  Recently, I connected to a friend I used to work with.  We run together a couple times a week.  We don’t talk about serious things but I am drawn out of my silence and the jangle of my own thoughts and attempts to make sense out of the unexplainable and unchangeable. 

 I have been experiencing more serious depression for about a month.  I spent several hours before Tai Chi yesterday  sitting in my friend’s office.  Being alone was not a safe thing for me at that moment.  Funny thing, a serious conversation ensued.  Inner strength manifesting in reaching out to someone.


Tai Chi is another acitivity that helps me find a sense of peace and grounding.  Movement, breath, concentration on form and poses- it’s easier to focus on something positive during class and be in the moment mindfully. I’m also around other veterans.  We may not talk much but there is a  connection.  

I do yoga at home. While it is a solitary activity it is another one that I find a sense of peace.  Breathing, form, focus, exercise.  My mind stills for that time. To a lesser degree, I find relief in strength training as well.

I wish I could be physically active 24/7/365.  

Physical activity is what helps me through the harder times.

Maybe one day I’ll find inner strength, my balance,  and peace without needing the acitivity at the same time. 

Socializing 

I haven’t socialized much since the brain injury.  There are three friends that I socialize with at all.  They understand the brain injury and the issues the challenge me. 

I decided to go to a picinic by and for pagans in a park.  The Diversity Say celebration was going on in another area but it wasn’t crowded or noisy in the picnic area.  Sensory overload wasn’t a major issue.  

The picnic was horrible. I was invisible.  Two people “saw” me- one was the organizer.  I tried others but it was awkward and short.  

I went up to the Diversity Day.  The politicians running for office, the people at the Baha’i and Muslim displays talked to me. I didn’t stay long as I was getting  tired and the area was more noisy and busy.

  The Baha’i and Muslims were the most open and patient.  They spoke to me and saw me as a person.  The conversations were interesting.  They didn’t treat me like I am stupid. Well, honestly,  the pagans didn’t treat me like I pm stupid.  I was just invisible.

 The politicians were fine too- but that was all politics.  I bought a couple of bumper stickers.

When I got home and thought about the experience at the picnic, I cried.  I felt so isolated and alone.  Rejection sucks.  I’ll stick with my friends here in the community and on Facebook from now on.  

Reflection

I mentioned yesterday that I felt a draw to the prayer/ chant that I posted.  During meditation today, anger kept coming in- both the emotion and thoughts around it.  You know, it’s possible to be angry about being angry?  I don’t like where this form of anger is leading me.


Anger can be healthy and helpful.  It’s basically telling you that there is something in your environment needing your attention.  It’s what you do with it and how it impacts you that matters.  For example, is the anger harming you or someone else?  Do you carry it and can’t release it?  Do you know what’s causing it?  These can be signs the anger isn’t helping you.

Feeling anger, acknowledging it, and figuring out what to do about why you’re angry is where it can be helpful.  It’s motivating change.  Trick is to not respond in the heat of anger.  Great phrase.  Heat.  It’s ok to take a break and let the anger cool before you make a decision or take action.

My anger isn’t good for me right now.  It’s there- about everything and triggers easily.  I suppose I’m angry about the brain injury and what it did to me.  Angry my life isn’t what I want it and I’ll never get what I had back.  It’s a dark anger.  I withdraw, I swear at people, I just want to be alone. I’ve hit stuff and blown up verbally at people and situations.  Anger goes hand in hand with frustration.  Anger makes it hard to enjoy anything.  It is darkness.  Like a black hole that draws me in.  I’m struggling to release anger over something I can’t control and can’t fix.  I’m certainly not at peace very often.

Love: wow.  Now there’s a concept.  I’m starting to really hate people sometimes.  Hate drama.  Hate people hurting each other.  Hate people trying to push morals off on others.  Angry about political candidates running on hate and fear.  Hate abusers.  Sadly, hate people for being “normal.”  Hate that they don’t understand what people with disabilities experience, especially when they’re “invisible.” People can look “normal” and still have some serious issues going on.  This is broken.  This isn’t who I was.  I’m not sure if this is who I will be now.  I suppose I don’t totally hate people. I still care about people and what happens to them.  I’d still help if I could.  Maybe it’s just the drama and actions that piss me off.  Back to boiling anger. 

This anger isn’t serving a purpose anymore.  I know there’s shit in my life I need to do something about.  I’m just not sure what or how. And it’s hurting my life. 

Maybe it’s grieving.  I’ve spent the last few years trying to “fix” myself and be who I was that I never really considered it could be long term.  I have lost so much.  

I  need to make a conscience decision to release this. It’s a process.  It takes more than once to really totally let go of anger over situations.    Or I could just avoid drama and people and frustration… And try to figure out how to numb myself totally again.  

Heal what’s broken.  Broken isn’t totally physical.  Enlighten the darkness.  Restore peace and love.

Something Positive

Today was Beltane.  It’s a celebration of the fullness of spring, of new beginnings, or new life.  It’s also considered the marriage of the Lord and Lady.  That May Pole?  Fertility symbol.  Anyway, no digression into Wiccan beliefs tonight.  Just spirituality.

I had a rough morning that more or less threw my plans off track.  I blogged it earlier but just got to posting it.  Had a WordPress WTF moment where it looked like it double posted. Yet, another digression.  With what happened, I slept most of the afternoon.

Tonight I celebrated Beltane in a bit of a different way.  I focused on the new beginnings/ new growth aspect, with a bit of healing thrown in.  My spiritual approach isn’t all that formal.  I don’t generally do formal Circles.  I use meditation and activities as my primary ways.

It focused on two main meditations with a release of the anger a fear to the Universe and a call for healing and peace.

i posted the Wiccan Prayer earlier.  This was my focus in a chant.

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Said slowly, relatively, but listening.  There was no huge insight.  There is a sense of quiet that hasn’t been there for a long time.

I feel drawn to work more with this prayer.

 

blessed be everyone!

Alive Day

Today is my “Alive Day.”  I had the accident that caused the TBI five years ago today (4/25/11). It was a birth into a new world of brain injury.  It was survival when I should have died. Five years later.  I have come a long way in terms of recovery.

I wanted this entry to be a profound reflection on my journey.  It isn’t.  I suppose the lesson here is not allowing the brain injury to be who I am.  My focus has been recovery for five years.  The injury was/ is in the center of my life.  Everything from my spiritual journey to physical, emotional, and mental growth “grew” from the injury.  Maybe now I have to figure out a balance.

Nothing profound here.  But life is often not profound.