I mentioned yesterday that I felt a draw to the prayer/ chant that I posted. During meditation today, anger kept coming in- both the emotion and thoughts around it. You know, it’s possible to be angry about being angry? I don’t like where this form of anger is leading me.
Anger can be healthy and helpful. It’s basically telling you that there is something in your environment needing your attention. It’s what you do with it and how it impacts you that matters. For example, is the anger harming you or someone else? Do you carry it and can’t release it? Do you know what’s causing it? These can be signs the anger isn’t helping you.
Feeling anger, acknowledging it, and figuring out what to do about why you’re angry is where it can be helpful. It’s motivating change. Trick is to not respond in the heat of anger. Great phrase. Heat. It’s ok to take a break and let the anger cool before you make a decision or take action.
My anger isn’t good for me right now. It’s there- about everything and triggers easily. I suppose I’m angry about the brain injury and what it did to me. Angry my life isn’t what I want it and I’ll never get what I had back. It’s a dark anger. I withdraw, I swear at people, I just want to be alone. I’ve hit stuff and blown up verbally at people and situations. Anger goes hand in hand with frustration. Anger makes it hard to enjoy anything. It is darkness. Like a black hole that draws me in. I’m struggling to release anger over something I can’t control and can’t fix. I’m certainly not at peace very often.
Love: wow. Now there’s a concept. I’m starting to really hate people sometimes. Hate drama. Hate people hurting each other. Hate people trying to push morals off on others. Angry about political candidates running on hate and fear. Hate abusers. Sadly, hate people for being “normal.” Hate that they don’t understand what people with disabilities experience, especially when they’re “invisible.” People can look “normal” and still have some serious issues going on. This is broken. This isn’t who I was. I’m not sure if this is who I will be now. I suppose I don’t totally hate people. I still care about people and what happens to them. I’d still help if I could. Maybe it’s just the drama and actions that piss me off. Back to boiling anger.
This anger isn’t serving a purpose anymore. I know there’s shit in my life I need to do something about. I’m just not sure what or how. And it’s hurting my life.
Maybe it’s grieving. I’ve spent the last few years trying to “fix” myself and be who I was that I never really considered it could be long term. I have lost so much.
I need to make a conscience decision to release this. It’s a process. It takes more than once to really totally let go of anger over situations. Or I could just avoid drama and people and frustration… And try to figure out how to numb myself totally again.
Heal what’s broken. Broken isn’t totally physical. Enlighten the darkness. Restore peace and love.