Reflection

I mentioned yesterday that I felt a draw to the prayer/ chant that I posted.  During meditation today, anger kept coming in- both the emotion and thoughts around it.  You know, it’s possible to be angry about being angry?  I don’t like where this form of anger is leading me.


Anger can be healthy and helpful.  It’s basically telling you that there is something in your environment needing your attention.  It’s what you do with it and how it impacts you that matters.  For example, is the anger harming you or someone else?  Do you carry it and can’t release it?  Do you know what’s causing it?  These can be signs the anger isn’t helping you.

Feeling anger, acknowledging it, and figuring out what to do about why you’re angry is where it can be helpful.  It’s motivating change.  Trick is to not respond in the heat of anger.  Great phrase.  Heat.  It’s ok to take a break and let the anger cool before you make a decision or take action.

My anger isn’t good for me right now.  It’s there- about everything and triggers easily.  I suppose I’m angry about the brain injury and what it did to me.  Angry my life isn’t what I want it and I’ll never get what I had back.  It’s a dark anger.  I withdraw, I swear at people, I just want to be alone. I’ve hit stuff and blown up verbally at people and situations.  Anger goes hand in hand with frustration.  Anger makes it hard to enjoy anything.  It is darkness.  Like a black hole that draws me in.  I’m struggling to release anger over something I can’t control and can’t fix.  I’m certainly not at peace very often.

Love: wow.  Now there’s a concept.  I’m starting to really hate people sometimes.  Hate drama.  Hate people hurting each other.  Hate people trying to push morals off on others.  Angry about political candidates running on hate and fear.  Hate abusers.  Sadly, hate people for being “normal.”  Hate that they don’t understand what people with disabilities experience, especially when they’re “invisible.” People can look “normal” and still have some serious issues going on.  This is broken.  This isn’t who I was.  I’m not sure if this is who I will be now.  I suppose I don’t totally hate people. I still care about people and what happens to them.  I’d still help if I could.  Maybe it’s just the drama and actions that piss me off.  Back to boiling anger. 

This anger isn’t serving a purpose anymore.  I know there’s shit in my life I need to do something about.  I’m just not sure what or how. And it’s hurting my life. 

Maybe it’s grieving.  I’ve spent the last few years trying to “fix” myself and be who I was that I never really considered it could be long term.  I have lost so much.  

I  need to make a conscience decision to release this. It’s a process.  It takes more than once to really totally let go of anger over situations.    Or I could just avoid drama and people and frustration… And try to figure out how to numb myself totally again.  

Heal what’s broken.  Broken isn’t totally physical.  Enlighten the darkness.  Restore peace and love.

Something Positive

Today was Beltane.  It’s a celebration of the fullness of spring, of new beginnings, or new life.  It’s also considered the marriage of the Lord and Lady.  That May Pole?  Fertility symbol.  Anyway, no digression into Wiccan beliefs tonight.  Just spirituality.

I had a rough morning that more or less threw my plans off track.  I blogged it earlier but just got to posting it.  Had a WordPress WTF moment where it looked like it double posted. Yet, another digression.  With what happened, I slept most of the afternoon.

Tonight I celebrated Beltane in a bit of a different way.  I focused on the new beginnings/ new growth aspect, with a bit of healing thrown in.  My spiritual approach isn’t all that formal.  I don’t generally do formal Circles.  I use meditation and activities as my primary ways.

It focused on two main meditations with a release of the anger a fear to the Universe and a call for healing and peace.

i posted the Wiccan Prayer earlier.  This was my focus in a chant.

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Said slowly, relatively, but listening.  There was no huge insight.  There is a sense of quiet that hasn’t been there for a long time.

I feel drawn to work more with this prayer.

 

blessed be everyone!

That Was Messed Up

I made a huge mistake this morning. I noticed that I needed a few things at the store that I forgot yesterday.
The only store open within walking distance is Walmart. Buses don’t run Sundays. 
I walked down. Four things. The store wasn’t all that busy for a Sunday. But, there was noise, bright lights, echoing sounds, people in all directions. My anxiety started raising immediately. I wasn’t sure about store layout so it had to look for an item. I was jumpy, pulse racing.  

I got to the self checkouts. Normal lines were really long. I was having trouble with the machine. One of those loud overhead announcements came over. I jumped, instant fight or flight. I basically ran out of the store at that point.
This was pretreated with lorazepam. Outside is easier than inside. I took the other half of the dose and walked home.
I exhausted, in tears. But totally numb now.

I really like numb. It’s better than almost everything else I feel.  Going to take a long nap with Brigid.
I think I’d like to choose numb. Even knowing I’d miss the good parts of life too. Numb feels good.
PTSD and brain injury.  The fun just continues.

Supposed To

I am supposed to be happy but I’m not

I’m supposed to be brave. But I’m not.

I’m supposed to work.  But I’m not.  (Anymore)

I’m supposed to be strong.  But I’m not.

I’m supposed to be thankful.  But I’m not. 

There are so many things I am supposed to be that I’m not.

I am royally pissed off at fate that left me alive yet took so much.

Don’t show weakness.  Pick yourself up by your bootstraps.  Mine are broken.

I’m not the brave, heroic brain injury survivor people want to see- a happy ending of someone returning to “normal.” So motivating.  I’m just holding on and don’t have the energy anymore to pretend.  At least not today.  

Musings of a broken brain and bruised soul.  

Unexpected Meditation 


I came across this quote in an unexpected place: Facebook.

It is so easy to look at ourselves and only see our “flaws” or “failures.”  Part of the beauty of nature are the “imperfections” that make everything unique.  There is no “perfect” rose or tree.  Each is different.

Perhaps what we see as “flaws” are nothing more than uniqueness.  We get so hung up on what society, family, friends, religions, etc say we “should” be that lose sight of who we really are.  Our physical appearance doesn’t really matter. Our clothes don’t matter.  Our jobs don’t matter in the sense of our value as a person.  We’re not our jobs.  Who we are is so much more than the roles we play.  We will never be what society thinks is “perfect.”  And it doesn’t matter.

We grow when we embrace ourselves as we are.  From there, we can set goals to who we want to become.  We accept flaws and imperfections while striving to meet our highest right; who we are as a balanced person.  When we see ourselves negatively because of flaws, that’s when we get stuck.  The mental chatter starts.  We view ourselves as “less,” “broken,” “terrible” and many other negative ways.  Change and growth then seems impossible.  Or that we don’t deserve good things.

I struggle a lot with the Committee of Negativity.  For me, it’s comparison to who I was before the injury.  I was a better person.  Or was I?  I did many things that I can’t anymore and I did other tasks much easier than now.  Like running.  I ran faster and longer then compared to now.  But, did that mean that I was a better person or a better runner?  Maybe.  Today, I run for enjoymentwith no pressure to go longer or faster.  Maybe this makes me a better runner.  I enjoy the sensation of my feet hitting the ground, the smell of the air, the feeling of my breath and heart rate, the sight of the mountains or a farmer’s field or the deer.  I’m more in tune and mindful than when I was so focused on pace and distance.  So, am I “better” now or just different?

why do we look at ourselves so negatively and buy into labels?

 

Alive Day

Today is my “Alive Day.”  I had the accident that caused the TBI five years ago today (4/25/11). It was a birth into a new world of brain injury.  It was survival when I should have died. Five years later.  I have come a long way in terms of recovery.

I wanted this entry to be a profound reflection on my journey.  It isn’t.  I suppose the lesson here is not allowing the brain injury to be who I am.  My focus has been recovery for five years.  The injury was/ is in the center of my life.  Everything from my spiritual journey to physical, emotional, and mental growth “grew” from the injury.  Maybe now I have to figure out a balance.

Nothing profound here.  But life is often not profound.