A Letter to Anxiety and Depression 

I am tired.  You ride on my back and suck my soul dry.  You steal joy.  Everything is harder than it should be.  There are times that I feel numb or crashing into a brick wall of hopelessness. You whisper messages of despair, you tell me that I am better of dead, I’m useless, no one would notice if I’m gone, I don’t deserve friends.  And it’s so hard not to believe you.  Often I do believe you. I will never be happy. It can be a struggle just to shower. 

Anxiety, you “treat ” me to never ending fear and worry no matter what the reason.  I overreact to surprises, I have to watch everyone all the time to asses threat. It’s hard to leave the house.  It’s hard to stay in.  Im restless . 


You partner with depression, sending many of the same messages and tell me I’m not safe.  My muscles are tight and often aching.  Sometimes, you hijack my brain and body and the fear becomes overwhelming.  I have a panic attack.  My heart races and I think I’m dying.  

There are times I want to give up.

Fuck you!  I’ll fight you both.  It will be different.  But maybe not bad.

Rules With Ferrets

  1. I look sweet and innocent.  It is my secret weapon.
  2. Anything left on the floor is mine.
  3. If I can somehow reach it, it is mine
  4. My food dish shall ever be full
  5. I will poop right next to the litter box when out to play.  Close is good enough.  I have important ferret things to do
  6. If I can fit under it, I will
  7. Your underwear and socks are for my joy of stashing.  Especially when they are new
  8. Even if I am on the other side of the house, if you open the door to a forbidden room, I will be under your feet to charge the opening.
  9. Anything is a toy- except what you buy for me at the store
  10. I can get away with anything because I am adorable, sweet, and innocent.

our toy


I can reach it. it is mine

Meditation On Hope

I came across the quote yesterday while I did yoga.  

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves-regret of the past and fear of the future. ” – Fulton Ousler

Intriguing quote.  

“Coulda, shoulda, woulda”. We lose so much time chewing over the past.  It keeps us stuck in the past, ruminating about past mistakes and missed chances.  It does nothing for us.  The past is gone and nothing can change that fact.  The thief takes our forward momentum  prevents us from a sense of peace with our pasts and the ability to forgive ourselves and others.  As long as we regret the past, our lives are lived there- we are chained. 

This is not to say that we should completely forget our pasts.  There are valuable lessons there that helps us learn and grow as a person.   But we should spend our time in the present, where we can take actions to build our futures.

We all have fears.  The future is unknown and most people fear the unknown.  We like to control everything and have a good shot at understanding what is happening.  But if we fear the future, the thief takes our sense of hope and the ability to move forward and take risks.  It may prevent you from trying something new and perhaps rewarding: such as a new job.  

I had to get an endoscopy and colonscopy because of some concern over health issues.  I was terrified.  The fear of the future, both the process and the possible findings, almost kept me from having the procedure done.  It was simply fear of the unknown future.  I never had these procedures done, so they scared me.  I survived.  And they found a couple of things that are easy to treat now but would have caused more,serious problems later.  My fear could have had a major impact on my health.  

Looking to the future is good to set goals: for example, going to college and getting s degree.  We have to look at that goal to plan our present.

Staying in the present allows us to take action to influence the future.  Control is a myth.  We control nothing in life. We influence what happens in our present and future.  There are too many variables to control the outcomes.  But without setting the goal and going after it, the goal will never happen.  The their of fear hold back our future.

Throw off the chains of the past and move forward bravely. 

Intrusive thoughts 

I have PTSD from an experience in the military.  Many people with it can get intrusive thoughts, where you just keep thinking about it- it comes back like a bad smell.

This can also be a problem for people in substance abuse recovery: constantly thinking about the past and using, or problems in the past.  Same with depression.  These thoughts tend to be about uselessness, hopelessness, no hope, and a variety of other negative self-talk.

What sucks is once the thoughts start, it is massively difficult to get them to shut the hell up and let you live.  A social worker I know refers to intrusive thoughts as “The Commite.” It fits.  Maybe like Gordon Ramsey on “Hell’s Kitchen.”  They aren’t friendly.

I’ve been watching the Olympics.  It struck me that the athletes and spectators come from all over the world for a common purpose.  It’s not perfect: there’s disagreements at times. But. Generally speaking, it is a hard competition with the athletes being respectful of each other.  

One year my brother and I went to Disnesy World.  There is a ride there that has been popular for generations.  It deals with people getting along.  And the music is annoying , with a catchy tune that just sticks in your head.

Well, it works to counter intrusive thoughts, at least for me.  When that song is running in my head, there’s no “room” for the thoughts.  There are probably other songs that might work better for you.

Anyway, if you have intrusive thoughts, try this:

It’s a Small World
Have a wonderful day.  And you’re welcome.

Running

I just noticed that I haven’t blogged about running for a long time.

Finally, I came to an uncomfortable acceptance that I will most likely never run another marathon.  In a way, this is good.  I can run now without the pressures of long training runs and time commitment.  My “competition” is against myself, the course, and time by running virtual races.  I still train for them like a “live” race.  My training varies from slow long runs to speed work.  The longest distance I race is 10k. My goals right now are a post BI personal bests in a 10k and 5k.  I also want to run in a road race again.

on a nature trail


Now that my training is less intense I notice the beauty of my surroundings.  I was so serious before that stopping in a training run was forbidden; never mind taking picture.  The tree is next to a nature trail never my house.I noticed my surroundings but I didn’t take time to really see them.  Now, I hear the wind, birds, running water and other sounds of nature if I’m at the lake.  I also notice traffic noises on the road which is not quite as nice.   Running is more enjoyable.

I must admit that sometimes I feel slow and I’m frustrated by changes to my body and brain.  These days are frustrating.  I like a challenge but not comparing before and after.  It accomplishes nothing.

I want to run a marathon again.  I enjoy the challenge.  If it doesn’t happen, it’s ok.  Running again is ultimately more important than running a specific race.

Find something you love and allow yourself to enjoy it.  It matters.