That Was Messed Up

I made a huge mistake this morning. I noticed that I needed a few things at the store that I forgot yesterday.
The only store open within walking distance is Walmart. Buses don’t run Sundays. 
I walked down. Four things. The store wasn’t all that busy for a Sunday. But, there was noise, bright lights, echoing sounds, people in all directions. My anxiety started raising immediately. I wasn’t sure about store layout so it had to look for an item. I was jumpy, pulse racing.  

I got to the self checkouts. Normal lines were really long. I was having trouble with the machine. One of those loud overhead announcements came over. I jumped, instant fight or flight. I basically ran out of the store at that point.
This was pretreated with lorazepam. Outside is easier than inside. I took the other half of the dose and walked home.
I exhausted, in tears. But totally numb now.

I really like numb. It’s better than almost everything else I feel.  Going to take a long nap with Brigid.
I think I’d like to choose numb. Even knowing I’d miss the good parts of life too. Numb feels good.
PTSD and brain injury.  The fun just continues.


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