I have been angry, depressed, and anxious every since the testing in Portland for rehabilitation program. The program accepted me. The issue is getting federal L& I to pay. It could be a few months. Or a few weeks. Or a year…. Who knows? I don’t like uncertainty. If I have to do this, I want to know when.
If I have to. That’s it in four words. Here are another four words: I don’t want to. I already had all the therapies. For months, if not years. Why would they magically work more now? I didn’t slack before. I busted my ass trying to reach goals were impossible. Every major goal I set, I failed to reach. Why would this program change anything?
I’ll be alone in a city. No transportation. No support network locally. Fuck, I won’t be able to eat more than twice a day on weekdays and once on weekends. See comment: no transportation. Everything will have to be within walking distance. I suppose I can live off delivery. So. Alone. Outside an area I can function. And participating in something that will most,likely be stressful.
This will also cost me money. Hotel, taxi to a from the program (maybe taxi to and from someplace to eat), food. And I still have my mortgage, car payments, student loans, utilities… I have nothing else to wipe out my savings doing. Right? A program that may or may not help.
The one new thing we did get from the assessment is the discovery of a visual field problem. I need to see a neuroopthamologist. Guess what? There’s one in Yakima. Local, so to speak. I won’t have to spend 8 weeks living there.
This is who I am now. I still don’t like it. But, I need to stop chasing rainbows, hoping for some sort,of improvement. It’s time to just deal with what I have. The only hope I still have is being able to drive again. But, that’s a visual field issue. If the opthamologist can’t fix it, I don’t drive again. Maybe I shouldn’t hope to drive.
The thing is if workers comp agrees, I have no choice.