Fool’s Gold

I have been angry, depressed, and anxious every since the testing in Portland for rehabilitation program.  The program accepted me.  The issue is getting federal L& I to pay.  It could be a few months. Or a few weeks.  Or a year….  Who knows? I don’t like uncertainty.  If I have to do this, I want to know when.

If I have to.  That’s it in four words.  Here are another four words: I don’t want to.   I already had all the therapies.  For months, if not years.  Why would they magically work more now?  I didn’t slack before.  I busted my ass trying to reach goals were impossible.  Every major goal I set, I failed to reach.  Why would this program change anything?  

I’ll be alone in a city.  No transportation.  No support network locally.  Fuck, I won’t be able to eat more than twice a day on weekdays and once on weekends.  See comment: no transportation.  Everything will have to be within walking distance.  I suppose I can live off delivery.  So.  Alone.  Outside an area I can function.  And participating in something that will most,likely be stressful.  

This will also cost me money.  Hotel, taxi to a from the program (maybe taxi to and from someplace to eat), food.  And I still have my mortgage, car payments, student loans, utilities…   I have nothing else to wipe out my savings doing.  Right?  A program that may or may  not help.

The one new thing we did get from the assessment is the discovery of a visual field problem.  I need to see a neuroopthamologist.  Guess what?  There’s one in Yakima.  Local, so to speak.  I won’t have to spend 8 weeks living there.  

This is who I am now.  I still don’t like it.  But, I need to stop chasing rainbows, hoping for some sort,of improvement.  It’s time to just deal with what I have.  The only hope I still have is being able to drive again.  But, that’s a visual field issue.  If the opthamologist can’t fix it, I don’t drive again.  Maybe I shouldn’t hope to drive.

The thing is if workers comp agrees, I have no choice.  


4 responses to “Fool’s Gold

  1. You have to keep trying, even though you feel frustrated at the seeming lack of progress. I hope that this new therapy will work for you. Best wishes for your healing.


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