Brain injury for some is a journey of loss, acceptance, and hopefully, eventually, peace. It’s finding a new way to live. But, I still grieve the past. I think I may always grieve what I lost and what “could have” been. The thought of “no longer” sucks.
It’s not that I can’t travel that bothers me. It’s the concept that I am restricted. I can no longer decide to take a weekend trip to Spokane. Or decide to visit family in another state. However, I find the thought of the restriction bothers me more than the restriction itself. I am happier at home, with my routines, in my familiar environment. I function better. When I am gone, I miss Brigid and the peaceful cuddle time or just having her next to me on the couch. I miss the laughter of playing with Bobby and Kaliyah, trying to keep up with their antics. I just hate the concept of “no longer.”
I still run but not marathons. I focus on what I can do and the enjoyment and love of running I still have. Yet, I miss marathons and the intensity of training and activity I used to take for granted. Maybe someday I’ll finish another marathon. But, right now it’s “no longer.” I still run and still enjoy it. That’s important.
No longer can I be in the military. No longer can I perform music. At least for now, I can no longer drive.
My life seems to be more defined by “no longer” than what I can do.
I came to realize that there will be no full recovery. I won’t ever do what I did before. My focus is no longer recovery. It has to be figuring out what I can do now. Now what?