Some thoughts

Brain injury for some is a journey of loss, acceptance, and hopefully, eventually, peace.  It’s finding a new way to live.  But, I still grieve the past. I think I may always grieve what I lost and what “could have” been. The thought of “no longer” sucks.

It’s not that I can’t travel that bothers me.  It’s the concept that I am restricted.  I can no longer decide to take a weekend trip to Spokane.  Or decide to visit family in another state.  However, I find the thought of the restriction bothers me more than the restriction itself.  I am happier at home, with my routines, in my familiar environment.  I function better.  When I am gone, I miss Brigid and the peaceful cuddle time or just having her next to me on the couch.  I miss the laughter of playing with Bobby and Kaliyah, trying to keep up with their antics.  I just hate the concept of “no longer.”

I still run but not  marathons.  I focus on what I can do and the enjoyment and love of running I still have.  Yet, I miss marathons and the intensity of training and activity I used to take for granted.  Maybe someday I’ll finish another marathon.  But, right now it’s “no longer.”  I still run and still enjoy it. That’s important.

No longer can I be in the military.  No longer can I perform music.  At least for now, I can no longer drive.

My life seems to be more defined by “no longer” than what I can do.

I came to realize that there will be no full recovery.  I won’t ever do what I did before.  My focus is no longer recovery.  It has to be figuring out what I can do now.  Now what?


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