It’s late and I can’t sleep. I have been titrating off the Topamax for about 2.5 weeks now. I notice my speech is improving in that I am not losing words as much. My balance is also a little better. I will be totally off in three more days. I have hope that since I am improving on lower doses that most of my symptoms will clear once the drug is totally out of my system. Or at least improve to my baseline post-TBI norm. The migraines enjoy the lesser dosage. They returned to 2-3 a week. The verapamil hasn’t started working yet. The joys of TBI: the gift never stops giving.
My mood lately is a bit depressed. I find myself thinking in terms of Before and After. My life right now seems directionless and without purpose. I still work part time and see very few clients, a situation my supervisor keeps saying will change but never does. Perhaps I truly have lost my ability to work clinically. Maybe she was getting complaints. I don’t know. The Army Reserve finally retired me medically. That’s over. I miss little freedoms. Sometimes I just want to get into my car and go for a drive to the mountains to do a trail run. Or even have the ability to trail run. Or be able to sign up for a marathon next month, knowing I’m in shape for it and not having to worry about who will drive me and if I’ll get overstimulated during the race. Hell, I can’t even do the training for a full marathon yet, never mind run one. Before and After.
On the other hand, I completed the Missoula Half Marathon this summer. I managed the overstimulation by using ear plugs, a hat, and dark glasses. I carried my own water and nutrition, so I didn’t have to try to make sense of the confusion of the aid stations. It is a beautiful course, too. Completing the run was a big accomplishment. I did face plant twice. Heh. Took home some Missoula road in my knees.
I run well in the familiarity of my nice, quiet park. There are several different distance options to run, depending on how I feel. I have a friend who is usually willing to drive me to out of town runs.
With any medical condition, there are times where hope is in small supply. Take it one day at a time and don’t give up.