Today was Beltane. It’s a celebration of the fullness of spring, of new beginnings, or new life. It’s also considered the marriage of the Lord and Lady. That May Pole? Fertility symbol. Anyway, no digression into Wiccan beliefs tonight. Just spirituality.
I had a rough morning that more or less threw my plans off track. I blogged it earlier but just got to posting it. Had a WordPress WTF moment where it looked like it double posted. Yet, another digression. With what happened, I slept most of the afternoon.
Tonight I celebrated Beltane in a bit of a different way. I focused on the new beginnings/ new growth aspect, with a bit of healing thrown in. My spiritual approach isn’t all that formal. I don’t generally do formal Circles. I use meditation and activities as my primary ways.
It focused on two main meditations with a release of the anger a fear to the Universe and a call for healing and peace.
i posted the Wiccan Prayer earlier. This was my focus in a chant.
Said slowly, relatively, but listening. There was no huge insight. There is a sense of quiet that hasn’t been there for a long time.
I made a huge mistake this morning. I noticed that I needed a few things at the store that I forgot yesterday.
The only store open within walking distance is Walmart. Buses don’t run Sundays.
I walked down. Four things. The store wasn’t all that busy for a Sunday. But, there was noise, bright lights, echoing sounds, people in all directions. My anxiety started raising immediately. I wasn’t sure about store layout so it had to look for an item. I was jumpy, pulse racing.
I got to the self checkouts. Normal lines were really long. I was having trouble with the machine. One of those loud overhead announcements came over. I jumped, instant fight or flight. I basically ran out of the store at that point.
This was pretreated with lorazepam. Outside is easier than inside. I took the other half of the dose and walked home.
I exhausted, in tears. But totally numb now.
I really like numb. It’s better than almost everything else I feel. Going to take a long nap with Brigid.
I think I’d like to choose numb. Even knowing I’d miss the good parts of life too. Numb feels good.
PTSD and brain injury. The fun just continues.
There are so many things I am supposed to be that I’m not.
I am royally pissed off at fate that left me alive yet took so much.
Don’t show weakness. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps. Mine are broken.
I’m not the brave, heroic brain injury survivor people want to see- a happy ending of someone returning to “normal.” So motivating. I’m just holding on and don’t have the energy anymore to pretend. At least not today.
I came across this quote in an unexpected place: Facebook.
It is so easy to look at ourselves and only see our “flaws” or “failures.” Part of the beauty of nature are the “imperfections” that make everything unique. There is no “perfect” rose or tree. Each is different.
Perhaps what we see as “flaws” are nothing more than uniqueness. We get so hung up on what society, family, friends, religions, etc say we “should” be that lose sight of who we really are. Our physical appearance doesn’t really matter. Our clothes don’t matter. Our jobs don’t matter in the sense of our value as a person. We’re not our jobs. Who we are is so much more than the roles we play. We will never be what society thinks is “perfect.” And it doesn’t matter.
We grow when we embrace ourselves as we are. From there, we can set goals to who we want to become. We accept flaws and imperfections while striving to meet our highest right; who we are as a balanced person. When we see ourselves negatively because of flaws, that’s when we get stuck. The mental chatter starts. We view ourselves as “less,” “broken,” “terrible” and many other negative ways. Change and growth then seems impossible. Or that we don’t deserve good things.
I struggle a lot with the Committee of Negativity. For me, it’s comparison to who I was before the injury. I was a better person. Or was I? I did many things that I can’t anymore and I did other tasks much easier than now. Like running. I ran faster and longer then compared to now. But, did that mean that I was a better person or a better runner? Maybe. Today, I run for enjoymentwith no pressure to go longer or faster. Maybe this makes me a better runner. I enjoy the sensation of my feet hitting the ground, the smell of the air, the feeling of my breath and heart rate, the sight of the mountains or a farmer’s field or the deer. I’m more in tune and mindful than when I was so focused on pace and distance. So, am I “better” now or just different?
why do we look at ourselves so negatively and buy into labels?
Today is my “Alive Day.” I had the accident that caused the TBI five years ago today (4/25/11). It was a birth into a new world of brain injury. It was survival when I should have died. Five years later. I have come a long way in terms of recovery.
I wanted this entry to be a profound reflection on my journey. It isn’t. I suppose the lesson here is not allowing the brain injury to be who I am. My focus has been recovery for five years. The injury was/ is in the center of my life. Everything from my spiritual journey to physical, emotional, and mental growth “grew” from the injury. Maybe now I have to figure out a balance.
Nothing profound here. But life is often not profound.
Today was a bad day for me. I’m not sure exactly why. I was just really upset all morning.
I got myself locked into negative mental chatter. My attitude was fuck this. It’s been a long time since my mood was this low. I’ve been frustrated and afraid this past month. But, not like today.
My thoughts summed up:
I wish that accident had killed me
I really have no life.
I want to go somewhere but I can’t travel alone. I’ll never see Alaska, Hawaii, the Florida Keys. Or go to Scotland again. Or Ireland. Or the Grand Canyon, or Glacier National Park. I’m chained to my town.
I never run a marathon or play in an orchestra again
My careers are gone.
The fucking accident killed me anyway. I just still exist.
It was another day when the losses were in my face. I can’t kill myself. I can’t hurt Brigid or Kaliyah. Brigid is not s cute kitten and may not find another family. And I can’t take her with me. It’s funny how my second thought was how my family would react. Brigid and Kaliyah came first. I suppose that’s because they depend on me. My family would grieve and move on. I don’t want to hurt them either.
So, I got Kaliyah out to play. Ferrets make you smile. She was in a playful mood. I wonder where my running socks are. She loved the dig box game. Lots of interaction. She tried to drag my backpack under the couch. Ferrets are determined animals. She would not give up on that backpack. It didn’t fit. Fine. She’ll try pulling under. Spinning it around and trying again. Dig on it and the floor under the couch. Flip over on her back and try pulling it again. By now she’s hissing in frustration. The odds were against her but she kept trying. Until she got bored. Then it was onto playing in the plastic bags closet that I forgot to close.
After she was done playing and tucked into her cage I decided to follow her example and take a nap. Brigid curled up at my shoulder and purred until I fell asleep. Three hours.
It was a beautiful day. I went for a short run then read a book at the small picnic area in my neighborhood and meditated. There wasn’t a focus on the meditation. I noticed nature and reflected on the Mother who created it. I had a deer and baby come into the park. Mom deer looked at me, then slowly walked into the woods. Shea’s her fawn were a reminder of Spring: new growth. New beginnings. Maybe even new hope.
I have no idea if my life is going to change. Maybe things can still get better. There still things to enjoy. Even in a narrow world.
I feel better tonight although I am wiped out. I hope to go to bed early. Maybe tomorrow will be better.