Sometimes they’re silent
Voices silenced by pain and
Hear the loud silence
The voices of the damned to
Loneliness and pain.
It can be too much
Dreaming of never ending sleep
But staying awake
When things are overwhelming, start somewhere.
There are times that I get so overwhelmed that there seems to be no start and no ending so I freeze in place. I am afraid to be wrong: afraid to fail. I want to control myself and my surroundings. Because it feels “safe.” It isn’t. Life will still happen. It’s not safe. But, I struggle to break out of my patterns and safety.
Start small. Set a small goal and move forward somehow. It’s been difficult to find a goal that I think I can manage and succeed.
Why does what is small seem so huge?
There is the tendency to look outside ourselves to find acceptance, love, happiness, even spiritual direction or experiences. If we are not comfortable in ourselves whatever we find outside won’t meet what we need.
Seeking to fill the the outside ourselves causes us difficulties. Relationships can be ended or damage becaus the need leads to disappointment as other people can’t meet the need. Attending church or other religious experiences feel like going through the motions. Sometimes we seek objects and/or money. In short, nothing fills that feeling.
And thou who thinketh to seek for me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not, unless thou knoweth the mystery; for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning and I am that which is attained at the end of desire. (Charge of the Goddess- Doreen Valentine)
I went down the road of seeking outside myself for many years. I looked to churches, careers, music, even running. I sought identity. I was vaguely that this was not enough. I found that I was most content when I sought identity inside. It’s been an ongoing process and journey.
A problem with identify outside is things constantly change. I lost my career and performing music outright. While I still run, I am not able to run marathons. The loss of identity after the brain injury crushed me. With identity outside myself, what is left when those things are gone? Nothing but what is within.
Spiritually, it’s been the same thing for me. I sought connection in churches of all kinds. Being told what to believe and how: doctrine and dogma, left me unsatisified. I morally couldn’t embrace teachings where I disagreed. The foundation itself of Christian faith just didn’t make sense. As I looked inside, I found it was not a religion I could embrace for several reasons. My spiritual journey led me to a way of believing that requires inner reflection and a connection to Deity. I am responsible for my own actions, my own journey. The exact beliefs really aren’t relevant here.
“For if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without.”
I got caught in my
brain today. Who am I now
Different life to live
It’s strange how we change over time. We have experiences both good and bad. Do they change who we are or just our views of life?
Sometimes I feel like a totally different person now. My brain works differently. I see myself in terms of before and after. Personalities can change after brain injury. Then there’s the whole thing about actual changes in how the brain works. For example, sensory overload. That’s physical. Is hating change and being inflexible a personality change or trying to control for safety and function? Is being angry grieving?
It’s just strange to feel like I’m a stranger in my own skin. I guess it doesn’t matter why. It just is. But, I really don’t like who I am now.
Everyday we have things happen to be thankful for: small and large. They only too often go unnoticed until they’re lost or something changes.
Right now, I am being blessed by listening to a thunderstorm, watching lightening, hearing the wind blowing and the rain smacking into the windows. It’s a beautiful and powerful reminder of the awe of nature. It connects me back to the elements and reminds me that we are a small part of the Universe but still created with a purpose.
There is another side of storms. In their power, they can bring harm and destruction, even death. There is still a place to be thankful. People come together and help rebuild what was lost. People’s strength and determination are harnessed. Life is never the same after a major storm. But, it continues- with new reasons to be thankful.
We face storms of a different sort in life. They bring changes small and large, yet they are not always “bad.” Sometimes, they’re an opportunity to grow or experience something new. Other times, they leave devastation. How do we rebuild lives after a storm? My spiritual Path teaches that we have soul lessons to learn. What happens is for a purpose, even if we don’t understand. What are my lessons in all that has happened to me- all the problems and lingering difficulties with TBI? I suppose this is the spiritual version of “why me?” (There are many lessons and paths. We still have free will. Our decisions and actions impact the outcomes and how life unfolds. There are always some lesson.)
I am thankful for the friends who have stood beside me, family who have helped, the doctors who care and try to help. I still run, I have Brigid and Kaliyah, I have a place to live and food to eat. It is well enough.
Memoirs of a Wounded Healer
Listen to your inner self..it has all the answers..
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